Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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