can u get pink eye on your cock?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
