Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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