Duck Duck Cougar?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
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