Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
