I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
