apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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