I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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