Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
