YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
