Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
