apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Alive.
So much puke
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
