u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
