Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
