I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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