About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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