My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
that may or may not have been my penis.
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