I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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