When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize