I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
