I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
