How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
