We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
