Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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