She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
