He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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