Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
