I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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