Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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