Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
