Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My vagina just recognized that song.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
