Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My dad is sitting where you rode me
There are leaves in my underwear?
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