I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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