Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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