shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
