Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
