Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
