don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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