I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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