uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
