I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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