So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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