side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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