Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
