If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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