i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
