I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
