If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i love accidental penises.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
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