hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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