..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize