my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
