I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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