her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
