I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
