Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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