what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
