i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
