I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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