I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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