rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
