Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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