I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
