We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Im part way to drunk.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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