so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
