I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
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