the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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